The Beauty of Finding Yourself

"When you find yourself in some far off place, and it causes you to rethink some things, you start to sense that slowly you’re becoming someone else. That’s when you find yourself.” –Brad Paisley, Find Yourself 

The craziest things I have ever done were piercing my cartilage and dyeing my hair pink. Within the same month. I remember coming home from my friends house and showing my mom the pink in my hair. It was almost midnight, but she looked as if she were going to call my hairdresser and have her chop it all off. The next day, my friends and family were saying how this just didn’t seem like something I would do, that it didn’t fit my “personality”. And to that I wondered: which personality are they referring to?

Girls have multiple personalities. We have personalities that depend on what we’re wearing. We have personalities that depend on our emotions. We have personalities that depend on our dreams. We have personalities that depend on who we want to be.

One second, I can be Audrey Hepburn, feeling utterly fabulous in my Little Black Dress and pearls, walking like I have three men behind me. But the next, I can be Bella during New Moon, curling up into a ball and crying because I don’t have a boyfriend.

One second, I can be Hermione Granger, staying shut up in my room, drilling facts and numbers into my brain in order to get a perfect grade on a final exam. But the next, I can be Paris Hilton, dying to go out, party with my friends, and get a little crazy.

One second, I can be Juliet, very sheltered, naïve, intent on being obedient and letting other people run my life. But the next, I can be Merida, arguing with everyone about being the real me, not knowing what I want in my future, and desperately wanting to be free.

All my life, I was the “good girl”. I got decent grades, was involved in my church’s youth group, stayed in on Friday nights to watch old movies with my mom, and would ramble off Disney fun facts at the drop of a hat (Did you know that the artists of Snow White used actual blush to give her a more realistic look? That Prince Eric is the only prince that doesn’t sing in his movie? That the four vultures in The Jungle Book were meant to be voiced by The Beatles but they were too busy?) Doing those things made me the responsible babysitter, the picture-perfect daughter, and the friend who parents could trust wouldn’t get their own kids into trouble. Yep, I was that girl.

But I’m not anymore. Sure, I still sacrifice a lot to maintain good grades, I still plan nights to watch Carey Grant with my mom, and I still watch at least one Disney movie a week. That’s who I am. But I also love superhero movies, I get competitive during any kind of game, I can lost my temper at any given moment, and I can give you the nastiest look you have ever seen. I’m not all smiles and sunshine and rainbows. Not all the time at least. I like to go a little crazy every now and then and stay out really late with my friends.

I used to think that it wasn’t okay to be rebellious. I thought being rebellious meant that I had to dress is all black and listen to scream music. That kind of stuff wasn’t really me either. I was at a crossroads. It wasn’t until after I graduated high school that I truly felt like who I was meant to be.

I still have people telling me how surprised they are about me dying my hair and piercing my ear. But I know that’s because they only know the girl I was seen as in middle school and high school. And I can’t wait to show people who I really am. I can’t wait for people to see a totally different side of me. I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when I do something completely out of character. I can’t wait to be me.